Saturday, June 18, 2011

Caden's 2nd Angel Birthday

Caden would be 2!!

I planned a balloon release on this day to celebrate. I invited some people (mostly grandparents and my siblings) and decided I will probably not invite anyone to these in the future. It was pretty much a bad week for me.



This area is reserved for my selfishness, maybe to be revealed at a later time, maybe not...we will see!!




 Family picture on Caden's 2nd


Releasing balloons to Caden

Grandma Perry helping Kaylie release her balloon to Caden


Closer view of Caden's grave on his Angel Birthday. Mathew chilling on the bench in the background


Thursday, March 31, 2011

Angel Baby Names

After I added the names I had so far, I noticed that because it was in Alphabetical order, siblings were not by each other and for some reason it bothered me. I strongly felt that siblings needed to be by each other. So, I decided to not sort alphabetically and I just added the names.

Because of the way blogger lists the names from bottom to top, I had to start with the ones I personally know at the bottom and it works its way up to the top. It could change again but for now, this is how it will be.

Thanks again, for letting me list your Angels.

If you would like me to add your Angel's to my list, leave me a comment indicating how you would like their names listed (First, First and Middle or Full) here and I will add them.



 Hugs!!

Caden's "Pinwheel from Heaven"

Thank you so much, Shauna, for doing this for me and other Angel Mommies. It really means a lot!

Shauna put 6 train cars to represent he was born in June the 6th month, there are five bears for each of my five kids riding the train--green and blue for my boys and red for my little girl. The bears in front of his pinwheel represents my whole family. 

I LOVE it!!!! 

If you would like to request a Pinwheel from Heaven, click the link below: 

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

How Sweet

In February, I started going to SHARE again. I had stopped due to scheduling conflicts and not wanting to go and etc.. Anyways, I decided to go to the first meeting in Feb, and then figured for the 2nd meeting, I would see which of the Angel Mommies I knew, were coming. Anyway, it ended up that 2 of the mommies and I got together for dinner at Applebee's before the meeting. Once we got to the meeting, we did what we normally do, share our stories and then talk about stuff the rest of the time. One of the Angel Mommie's shared her story and at the end, gave us all a "Guardian Angel" Beanie Baby or, its official name on the tag is "Halo II" the tag also says:
"Little angel up above
Guard me with your special love
Make sure that you will always be 
By my side and close to me!"

She also gave us a piece of paper to go with the Beanie Baby. The paper reads:

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. 
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes. 
I hate my shoes. 

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. 
 Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think 
I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them. 

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy. 
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. 
They never talk about my shoes. 

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. 
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. 
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. 

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. 
There are many pairs in this world. 
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. 
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. 
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt. 

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. 
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. 
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. 
They have made me who I am. 

I will forever walk in these shoes of a woman who has lost a child. 

Author unknown. 

She gave these to us in love and in honor of her precious Angel daughter, as she was approaching her Angel daughter's 1 yr. Birthday/Angelversary.  I thought this was so sweet and thoughtful of her. I know each of us that were there and got one, was so appreciative. Aww, How sweet!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Caden, 20 months since we said Good-Bye!

2-22-2011 - Since he isn't here on earth with us and isn't hitting milestones all I can really say is we wish he was. It has been 20 months since we buried him. The boys ask me questions about him every so often. like does he need shoes, No kids, he doesn't need shoes, and when will he come see us, He is with us whenever we need him we just cant see him, and all sorts of questions.

I did end up totally redoing my very first post about Caden, "June 2009, (From the beginning)" in the blog Archive. It is the entire story of what happened with Caden if your curious. 

Here are a few pictures of the memories we have:

 Mold's of Caden's hands and feet.
 Christmas 2010
His Christmas tree.

 The additions they've made to the Baby Land. before, the Angel statue was just on the grass, now they've got the brick section with the 2 beautiful benches.



The Snowmen Wreath was made by Great Grandma Johansen. Thanks Grandma. One of Caden's friends family, left a snowman on a stick. This friend's family also left one on every one of the babies headstones or plots (if there was no headstone laid due to weather).

SHARE

About 1 week after MaKaylie was born, my dear friend Racheal's healthy 6 week old baby boy Maxxton passed away. I was so sad for her. Since I had lost a baby before and because we had been friends since Kindergarten (24 yrs), I felt I needed to be there for her. I realize my loss of a baby is not the same extent as hers. But a loss is a loss, nonetheless.

She asked about support groups or therapy and many of her friends/family and I suggested places she could go to and she found SHARE Parents of Utah. They met 2 times a month (2nd and 4th Tuesday of every month) and she asked me if I would go with her. I accepted without hesitation.   I had always wanted to go to the support groups I was invited to after my loss but did not want to go alone and Eric needed to watch the kids, plus I was working nights and it was just really hard for me to be able to go, I never went to any of mine and I think they only invite you up to your year mark. I however, stopped getting invited in Nov 2010 which was only 5 months after my loss. Anyway, the next meeting was just a few days away and it was at Intermountain Medical Center. The meetings are always at IMC (2nd Tuesday) or Jordan Valley Hospital (4th Tuesday). 

Racheal and I met at 7 pm (the group started at 7:30) not sure why we got there so early. But we did. The topic for this night, was Memories. Racheal and I walked in and many others started walking in also. On this night, we met quite a few Angel Baby families. I want to say there was about 12 of us (2 were couples). We all told our story and shared our memories. It was so saddening to hear all the stories. Racheal and I ended up becoming friends with pretty much all of them, became facebook friends with the ones that had facebook accounts. We spent about 1.5-2 hrs telling/listening to the stories and then majority of us chatted afterward. It was well after 10 pm before I got home.

I have continued to go off an on with and without Racheal to these meetings. They're not the easiest meetings to attend. Very heartbreaking but always understood, as we are all in the same club. The club we were all forced to be in. I am so thankful for the Angel Mom's I have met going to these meetings, They are all such amazing women. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong because my loss was in the 2nd trimester, but before 20 weeks gest.

I was also invited a week or so later to an "Angel Mommy" Dinner. It is where a group of Angel Mommies get together and meet somewhere for dinner. We met at a place called Pei Wei, in Sandy and I met so many other mommies all of which I have become friends with on facebook too. There was also a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) - A non-profit organization, who photograph these precious Angel Babies so that their families will have memories of their sweet baby(s).

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Caden Aleksander Schultz

So much meaning!

My husband and I went to Wendover with a group of my friends and found out the next month we were expecting. When we came home from Wendover, it was the week of Valentines and Eric and I went to Zales and I found this beautiful heart necklace that I just fell in love with, he ended up buying it for me and little did we know it would have soo much meaning in the end. Here is a picture of the necklace:

 
1/10 CT. T.W. Diamond Double Heart Pendant in 10K White Gold

 My boys say the little heart inside is Caden. I wear this necklace every day and its now called "My Caden Necklace"

From the beginning...

In March 2009, we found out we were expecting our 4th child. I had my first appt when I was 8 weeks along, in April and continued having monthly checkups with my OB and everything was going fine. I had pretty bad nausea and I was very, very tired. I noticed that during this pregnancy, I kept catching myself thinking about miscarriage where I never had with Austin, Mathew or Jaxon's pregnancy. I felt Caden move the last week he was alive. I will always cherish those few movements I felt before he passed.

So here is the story, from the beginning. Pay no attention to the grammar, punctuation, etc.. this was all written out on my cell phone and i fwd it to my email so that i wouldn't have to write it out ever again..

Monday, June 15, 2009 - I was 17 weeks along going in for my normal monthly checkup. Didn't think much of it, so Eric was at home with our (grown) Nieces who were visiting from Arizona. I checked in, they called me back, got my weight and then took me to the exam room, where the nurse took my blood pressure as she always did. My blood pressure was normal, as usual. Said the Dr would be in, in just a few min, shut the door and left, as usual. I waited for a little bit and then heard the famous knock and then the door opens and in walks my Dr. He had me lay on the table and got the doppler and spent what felt like forever, trying to find the heartbeat of my baby. He couldn't find the heartbeat so he said, "let's go to U/S where we will get ya some pictures and we will see your baby's beating heart."  I laid on the table and he scanned across my belly and as he scanned across, I saw my baby just lying there still, with no heartbeat.  Dr. then did some measurements and found out baby stopped growing at 14 weeks so the baby died 3 weeks before we found out. The Dr also said that our baby had a sack of liquid on his head which the medical term is Hydrocephalus.

My Dr. then took me back to the exam room and explained to me what options I have, He told me because I was in my 2nd trimester, if I chose a D&C he couldn't promise he would get all the pieces of the baby, or I could do a medical induction, where I go to the hospital and deliver my baby like normal but go home empty handed. I chose to medically induce the labor because I couldn't bring myself to do a D&C after what he said. 

Since I was alone, my Dr told me to go home and discuss with my husband what date I wanted to deliver. Because I kept coming up with reasons why not to do it on the same day.. like My nieces are in town from AZ, My husband Coaches Softball and they have a game the next 2 nights, who knows what else I came up with. I talked with Eric, and I think we initially decided to deliver the next day, Tuesday, but my Dr. called and said to please wait until Wednesday to start taking the labor induction pill i.e. Cytotec for some reason and I cannot remember why. 

Unfortunately, when you have a missed miscarriage, your placenta often still works like it is pregnant. For obvious reasons, I lost my appetite and hadn't eaten ALL day and by this time it was like 8 or 9 pm and I was still having "morning sickness" so of course I had to run to the bathroom, and my sweet husband followed me and held my hair back while I stood over the toilet heaving. When I was done, I looked at my husband and said "This isn't fair! I shouldn't still be having "morning sickness" its just a reminder of what I wont be coming home with!"  

I don't remember anything from Tuesday, other than our Nieces, Lisa and her cute little family and her little sister Chelsi left before we woke up to head home. I believe my kids went to my sister Amanda's where they stayed til the morning we buried our sweet baby boy!

On Wednesday, I was woken up to a phone call around 8 am from my mom. We needed to discuss where and how we were going to bury my sweet baby. After that call ended, I called my father. Ken, to see what options he had for me. He had me call around to some cemeteries for prices and casket requirements and etc.. while he called around for the smallest casket.  It was about 11:30 maybe noon and I remember grabbing my pillow and blanket putting it on the couch and telling my husband I was going to start the pill and lay down to try and get some rest before we had to go to his softball game that night. The Dr said it would take anywhere from a few hours to a couple days before it starts the labor. I had been putting off starting the labor pill all morning as I didn't want my pregnancy to officially be over. I started the pill around noon and lounged around for a few hours til we had to leave to go to the softball game (I was adamant that we go) we got to the game and at about 7 pm that night the contractions started and never eased up. 

I decided earlier this day that I wanted a priesthood blessing to help me through what I was going to be experiencing. So, I called my brother in law Dustin, asked him if he could give me a blessing and he agreed. We planned for me to go over to my sister Jeanie and his house while Eric was coaching. When the labor pains started, I decided I better go get my blessing. My blessing was beautiful, comforting and very much needed. In the blessing, it said that everything would go the way the lord had planned and other things. I felt very good after I got this blessing. I am LDS (Latter Day Saint), I grew up as one and will always be one.

I went back to the game where Eric was and I toughed it out for a few hours while my hubby was coaching softball, I remember sitting in the van listening to the music before I got out and I heard the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus and the words just made me cry. I decided listening to music wasn't going to help me, so I got out and went over to where Eric was coaching and I rememeber pacing back and forth during the games, texting, talking on the phone, anything I could do to keep my mind off the contractions. Eric kept asking me during the games if he needed to leave and take me to the hospital and I kept telling him no, I'll be fine (he could see the pain in my face, I have back labor). The games ended and we discussed going to the hospital and I said no I dont think we need to go yet. So, we started driving home (we were in Orem). I called Amanda cause she still had the boys and we were going to go pick them up. I told her that I was still having contractions and that I was going to call the hosp and see if they thought I should come in, I called and they said I needed to come in. So we turned around and went back to Orem.  

We got to the hospital around 10 pm we got checked in, walked through the double doors and turned the corner, There were 2 nurses standing at the Nurses station and one of them, is a family friend, through my husbands softball coaching. Her name is Vicky Gonzalez. She looked at me with a sad face and I walked up to her and we hugged and shed some tears. They then took me to a room across the hall. I hoped Vicky would be my nurse, but I got another sweet nurse. They told me I could trade nurses if I wanted but I didn't want to be rude so I kept my nurse and Vicky helped when she could which was pretty often.

Eric went home to get some things, Jeanie and my Mom came to be with me, and just before Jeanie walked in, I had to use the bathroom and when I was done washing my hands, I accidentally dropped my cell phone in the toilet as it was flushing as if my week wasn't bad enough .. (Anyone that knows me, knows I'm addicted to my phone). Anyway, as soon as everyone was there, I felt a gush of some fluid and was afraid of what it was, as one of the side effects of the pill is diarrhea. Thankfully, it was my water that broke. My water had Never, ever broken on its own. It was always broke by the dr. 

My friend Martha came after work for a couple hours (we were both on the email team and worked til 2 am, I believe). The nurse kept checking me and checking to see where the baby was and just shortly after Martha left, at about 3:30am she told me I was dilated to about a 3 and ready to deliver the baby.. We all kinda lost it, our eyes filled up with lots of tears, so they gave us some time. We all gained our composure and I pushed like 3 times and there was Caden, at 340 am on Thursday, June 18, 2009, this was also my friend Martha's birthday. 

Caden was completely formed, you could see his tongue, his nose, his ears, 10 toes, 10 fingers, his collarbone, everything. I was so amazed at how much they are formed between 14-17 weeks. There was a huge sack of liquid on his head which is what the Dr said he died from. Caden was 1.6 oz and was 5" long we got to hold him (not skin to skin) the skin is soo fragile at that stage that you cannot touch it with your bare hands or it will break and tear and ooze so the Bereavement specialist wrapped him up in what I call his boxing robe cause that's what it looks like. She got molds of his hands and feet and took pictures of him alone and of Eric and I with him. Then gave me a round box with stuff inside they call it a memory box. She did ink prints of his hands and feet along with the molds, gave me a replica "Boxing Robe" wrapped his hands and feet molds in a paper towel and put them in a tiny plastic cup, it also had a little book of sympathy quotes, i then added my hospital bracelet to the box when I took it off. We held him for a few hours and a few visitors came to the hospital like Grandma and Grandpa Schramm, Amanda, both my dads were there. I really don't remember any other visitors. We appreciate those that did come and visit us in our time of need.

At about 10 am my father Ken left to go get the burial plot and the casket and my mom left to go get the burial transport authorization (because baby was under 20 weeks the funeral homes do nothing. Its all up to the parents to handle and arrange).. So we took Caden and put him in a cooler on ice to keep him from drying up and then just 9 hours after delivering, yes, 9 hours, I was released from the hospital. I felt like the last hour or 2, I was being forced out, I just wanted to rest cause I had been awake since 8 am the prior morning. But everytime I would try to rest, the nurses would come in and take my vitals. About 30-45 min before we left, I had to ask if I could at least soak in the tub (jetted tub) before I left. They said I could. Usually they offer to take a bath or a shower when you have a living baby but I guess you have to ask when your baby doesn't survive. :(  We left the hospital, empty handed, my mom had Caden with her (I now wish I would have been the one to take him home) we went home and started planning the burial for the next day. Getting things to put in his casket, pictures and a blanket and the remaining details of the burial. We also went and spent some time with the boys, took them to Arctic Circle for dinner and then when we were done, we took them back to my sisters.

So on June 19, 2009 we got up and went to my mothers where Caden was along with my mom and my father Ken and my Dad James and other family members. Eric held Caden and said his last goodbyes and he left, to go get the boys from my sister Amanda, took them home and got them ready for the burial of their little brother, whom they'd never get to meet. :(  I held my sweet baby for the last time, said my last goodbye's and then started preparing Caden in his final resting spot, held him a bit more. I placed him in the casket and arranged him in the blanket my mom bought, laid him on the pillow in the casket, we put a family picture, a picture of the boys and the very first baby blanket I ever bought even before I had Austin.  

Caden was soo tiny his entire body fit on the casket pillow so we pinned the blankets to the pillow so he couldn't slide off. I then let those that were there say their last goodbyes and I closed the casket and my mom put ribbons on the casket to represent his family members and him we then picked up a few dozen balloons and headed to the cemetery with my baby's casket on my lap the entire ride. None of this could have happened if we didn't have that burial transport form my mother had filled out. When we got to the cemetery, there was a florist there, dropping off a flower arrangement and that's when it hit me that we were there to bury my baby. The beautiful flower arrangement was from the Convergy's Management Team - this is who I worked for and had worked for, for the past 6 yrs. Everyone started showing up and I had to run home quickly, to get our camera so I missed some that couldn't stay but wanted us to know they were thinking of us.

It was a beautiful day, a beautiful burial!  After the burial, we went to Mi Rancherito for lunch. I couldn't have asked for a better day to have had to bury my baby.

We love and appreciate the friends and family that came to support us on this day. We are especially thankful for the donations received or the amounts of money that was paid out, without my asking to help us bury our baby. Thank you!

The dreaded Club

Came across this on another Angel Mom's Blog -

"I am now apart of a club. A club that no one wants to be apart of. However, we are forced into membership. The fee is great and the burden even greater. The time that it requires from you is endless. There is no way out, and you will forever struggle with why you were forced in. And anyone who is not part of the club will never understand. They will never know the pain. They will never know what it's like. This is the club for those who have lost a child."