In March 2009, we found out we were expecting our 4th child. I had my first appt when I was 8 weeks along, in April and continued having monthly checkups with my OB and everything was going fine. I had pretty bad nausea and I was very, very tired. I noticed that during this pregnancy, I kept catching myself thinking about miscarriage where I never had with Austin, Mathew or Jaxon's pregnancy. I felt Caden move the last week he was alive. I will always cherish those few movements I felt before he passed.
So here is the story, from the beginning. Pay no attention to the grammar, punctuation, etc.. this was all written out on my cell phone and i fwd it to my email so that i wouldn't have to write it out ever again..
Monday, June 15, 2009 - I was 17 weeks along going in for my normal monthly checkup. Didn't think much of it, so Eric was at home with our (grown) Nieces who were visiting from Arizona. I checked in, they called me back, got my weight and then took me to the exam room, where the nurse took my blood pressure as she always did. My blood pressure was normal, as usual. Said the Dr would be in, in just a few min, shut the door and left, as usual. I waited for a little bit and then heard the famous knock and then the door opens and in walks my Dr. He had me lay on the table and got the doppler and spent what felt like forever, trying to find the heartbeat of my baby. He couldn't find the heartbeat so he said, "let's go to U/S where we will get ya some pictures and we will see your baby's beating heart." I laid on the table and he scanned across my belly and as he scanned across, I saw my baby just lying there still, with no heartbeat. Dr. then did some measurements and found out baby stopped growing at 14 weeks so the baby died 3 weeks before we found out. The Dr also said that our baby had a sack of liquid on his head which the medical term is Hydrocephalus.
My Dr. then took me back to the exam room and explained to me what options I have, He told me because I was in my 2nd trimester, if I chose a D&C he couldn't promise he would get all the pieces of the baby, or I could do a medical induction, where I go to the hospital and deliver my baby like normal but go home empty handed. I chose to medically induce the labor because I couldn't bring myself to do a D&C after what he said.
Since I was alone, my Dr told me to go home and discuss with my husband what date I wanted to deliver. Because I kept coming up with reasons why not to do it on the same day.. like My nieces are in town from AZ, My husband Coaches Softball and they have a game the next 2 nights, who knows what else I came up with. I talked with Eric, and I think we initially decided to deliver the next day, Tuesday, but my Dr. called and said to please wait until Wednesday to start taking the labor induction pill i.e. Cytotec for some reason and I cannot remember why.
Unfortunately, when you have a missed miscarriage, your placenta often still works like it is pregnant. For obvious reasons, I lost my appetite and hadn't eaten ALL day and by this time it was like 8 or 9 pm and I was still having "morning sickness" so of course I had to run to the bathroom, and my sweet husband followed me and held my hair back while I stood over the toilet heaving. When I was done, I looked at my husband and said "This isn't fair! I shouldn't still be having "morning sickness" its just a reminder of what I wont be coming home with!"
I don't remember anything from Tuesday, other than our Nieces, Lisa and her cute little family and her little sister Chelsi left before we woke up to head home. I believe my kids went to my sister Amanda's where they stayed til the morning we buried our sweet baby boy!
On Wednesday, I was woken up to a phone call around 8 am from my mom. We needed to discuss where and how we were going to bury my sweet baby. After that call ended, I called my father. Ken, to see what options he had for me. He had me call around to some cemeteries for prices and casket requirements and etc.. while he called around for the smallest casket. It was about 11:30 maybe noon and I remember grabbing my pillow and blanket putting it on the couch and telling my husband I was going to start the pill and lay down to try and get some rest before we had to go to his softball game that night. The Dr said it would take anywhere from a few hours to a couple days before it starts the labor. I had been putting off starting the labor pill all morning as I didn't want my pregnancy to officially be over. I started the pill around noon and lounged around for a few hours til we had to leave to go to the softball game (I was adamant that we go) we got to the game and at about 7 pm that night the contractions started and never eased up.
I decided earlier this day that I wanted a priesthood blessing to help me through what I was going to be experiencing. So, I called my brother in law Dustin, asked him if he could give me a blessing and he agreed. We planned for me to go over to my sister Jeanie and his house while Eric was coaching. When the labor pains started, I decided I better go get my blessing. My blessing was beautiful, comforting and very much needed. In the blessing, it said that everything would go the way the lord had planned and other things. I felt very good after I got this blessing. I am LDS (Latter Day Saint), I grew up as one and will always be one.
I went back to the game where Eric was and I toughed it out for a few hours while my hubby was coaching softball, I remember sitting in the van listening to the music before I got out and I heard the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus and the words just made me cry. I decided listening to music wasn't going to help me, so I got out and went over to where Eric was coaching and I rememeber pacing back and forth during the games, texting, talking on the phone, anything I could do to keep my mind off the contractions. Eric kept asking me during the games if he needed to leave and take me to the hospital and I kept telling him no, I'll be fine (he could see the pain in my face, I have back labor). The games ended and we discussed going to the hospital and I said no I dont think we need to go yet. So, we started driving home (we were in Orem). I called Amanda cause she still had the boys and we were going to go pick them up. I told her that I was still having contractions and that I was going to call the hosp and see if they thought I should come in, I called and they said I needed to come in. So we turned around and went back to Orem.
We got to the hospital around 10 pm we got checked in, walked through the double doors and turned the corner, There were 2 nurses standing at the Nurses station and one of them, is a family friend, through my husbands softball coaching. Her name is Vicky Gonzalez. She looked at me with a sad face and I walked up to her and we hugged and shed some tears. They then took me to a room across the hall. I hoped Vicky would be my nurse, but I got another sweet nurse. They told me I could trade nurses if I wanted but I didn't want to be rude so I kept my nurse and Vicky helped when she could which was pretty often.
Eric went home to get some things, Jeanie and my Mom came to be with me, and just before Jeanie walked in, I had to use the bathroom and when I was done washing my hands, I accidentally dropped my cell phone in the toilet as it was flushing as if my week wasn't bad enough .. (Anyone that knows me, knows I'm addicted to my phone). Anyway, as soon as everyone was there, I felt a gush of some fluid and was afraid of what it was, as one of the side effects of the pill is diarrhea. Thankfully, it was my water that broke. My water had Never, ever broken on its own. It was always broke by the dr.
My friend Martha came after work for a couple hours (we were both on the email team and worked til 2 am, I believe). The nurse kept checking me and checking to see where the baby was and just shortly after Martha left, at about 3:30am she told me I was dilated to about a 3 and ready to deliver the baby.. We all kinda lost it, our eyes filled up with lots of tears, so they gave us some time. We all gained our composure and I pushed like 3 times and there was Caden, at 340 am on Thursday, June 18, 2009, this was also my friend Martha's birthday.
Caden was completely formed, you could see his tongue, his nose, his ears, 10 toes, 10 fingers, his collarbone, everything. I was so amazed at how much they are formed between 14-17 weeks. There was a huge sack of liquid on his head which is what the Dr said he died from. Caden was 1.6 oz and was 5" long we got to hold him (not skin to skin) the skin is soo fragile at that stage that you cannot touch it with your bare hands or it will break and tear and ooze so the Bereavement specialist wrapped him up in what I call his boxing robe cause that's what it looks like. She got molds of his hands and feet and took pictures of him alone and of Eric and I with him. Then gave me a round box with stuff inside they call it a memory box. She did ink prints of his hands and feet along with the molds, gave me a replica "Boxing Robe" wrapped his hands and feet molds in a paper towel and put them in a tiny plastic cup, it also had a little book of sympathy quotes, i then added my hospital bracelet to the box when I took it off. We held him for a few hours and a few visitors came to the hospital like Grandma and Grandpa Schramm, Amanda, both my dads were there. I really don't remember any other visitors. We appreciate those that did come and visit us in our time of need.
At about 10 am my father Ken left to go get the burial plot and the casket and my mom left to go get the burial transport authorization (because baby was under 20 weeks the funeral homes do nothing. Its all up to the parents to handle and arrange).. So we took Caden and put him in a cooler on ice to keep him from drying up and then just 9 hours after delivering, yes, 9 hours, I was released from the hospital. I felt like the last hour or 2, I was being forced out, I just wanted to rest cause I had been awake since 8 am the prior morning. But everytime I would try to rest, the nurses would come in and take my vitals. About 30-45 min before we left, I had to ask if I could at least soak in the tub (jetted tub) before I left. They said I could. Usually they offer to take a bath or a shower when you have a living baby but I guess you have to ask when your baby doesn't survive. :( We left the hospital, empty handed, my mom had Caden with her (I now wish I would have been the one to take him home) we went home and started planning the burial for the next day. Getting things to put in his casket, pictures and a blanket and the remaining details of the burial. We also went and spent some time with the boys, took them to Arctic Circle for dinner and then when we were done, we took them back to my sisters.
So on June 19, 2009 we got up and went to my mothers where Caden was along with my mom and my father Ken and my Dad James and other family members. Eric held Caden and said his last goodbyes and he left, to go get the boys from my sister Amanda, took them home and got them ready for the burial of their little brother, whom they'd never get to meet. :( I held my sweet baby for the last time, said my last goodbye's and then started preparing Caden in his final resting spot, held him a bit more. I placed him in the casket and arranged him in the blanket my mom bought, laid him on the pillow in the casket, we put a family picture, a picture of the boys and the very first baby blanket I ever bought even before I had Austin.
Caden was soo tiny his entire body fit on the casket pillow so we pinned the blankets to the pillow so he couldn't slide off. I then let those that were there say their last goodbyes and I closed the casket and my mom put ribbons on the casket to represent his family members and him we then picked up a few dozen balloons and headed to the cemetery with my baby's casket on my lap the entire ride. None of this could have happened if we didn't have that burial transport form my mother had filled out. When we got to the cemetery, there was a florist there, dropping off a flower arrangement and that's when it hit me that we were there to bury my baby. The beautiful flower arrangement was from the Convergy's Management Team - this is who I worked for and had worked for, for the past 6 yrs. Everyone started showing up and I had to run home quickly, to get our camera so I missed some that couldn't stay but wanted us to know they were thinking of us.
It was a beautiful day, a beautiful burial! After the burial, we went to Mi Rancherito for lunch. I couldn't have asked for a better day to have had to bury my baby.
We love and appreciate the friends and family that came to support us on this day. We are especially thankful for the donations received or the amounts of money that was paid out, without my asking to help us bury our baby. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Shauna, for doing this for me and other Angel Mommies. It really means a lot!
